Stop Asking Your Kid Who Their Best Friend Is, with Adam Grant

Dr. Becky opens by venting about advice that tells busy parents they need more friends without explaining when they are supposed to make them. Adam Grant’s book Vibe gave her a more freeing model: instead of demanding one best friend at every life stage, value a constellation of close relationships, including colleagues who are enjoyable and effective collaborators but never become weekend friends. Grant says “best friends are overrated” and are a relatively recent idea, emerging in the 1800s; for much of American history and in most countries, people did not organize friendship around one person.

Grant says studies show that children can be well-liked at school yet still feel isolated if they lack one best friend, because children have learned to treat a “bestie” as the defining proof that they have friends. Dr. Becky connects this to one of her children’s middle-school experience: there were many friendly classmates, but the child kept asking where to find a single person for snow days and other plans. They acknowledge the practical advantage of having one reliable person, while arguing that emphasizing one best friend as the only relationship that counts can create unnecessary anxiety.

Grant describes four wavelengths of connection. Associates are slightly more than acquaintances: they meet compatible needs, such as sharing class notes or bringing an extra pair of soccer cleats, but lack meaningful interaction. Allies share goals and work toward a mission together. Pals share interests and hobbies and enjoy one another’s company. Companions share values and offer deep affection and care. A “bestie” usually sits at the center of the Venn diagram by being a pal, ally, and companion, but Grant says each category is valuable and people can be close to someone on one wavelength without being close on the others.

Grant says pals are probably the most common relationship because the threshold is simply enjoying the same activity or conversation; companions are hardest to find. Work-focused people may accumulate allies, while volunteers and joiners often build many collaborative relationships. People need every type, but expecting one person to fill every role puts too much pressure on that bond. Grant describes being disappointed when someone he viewed as a companion did not provide emotional support, then realizing the person might still be a strong ally or pal. A letdown can reveal whether to adjust expectations or communicate about what each person thought the relationship was.

Grant tells how he and his wife, Allison, became close with another couple through their children, then discovered after a period of separation during COVID that the couple had hosted a party without inviting them. Rather than silently withdrawing, Grant asked whether they had done something offensive and said he wanted to make it right. The couple replied that they had assumed Grant and Allison would not want to attend or would feel pressured because of a difficult period and full schedules. The conversation rekindled the relationship, leading to family activities and double dates. Grant cites experiments showing that thoughtful confrontation can make both people feel closer two weeks later.

Dr. Becky applies the framework to children’s school and activity relationships. A child may have a great teammate who brings focus and effort to sports, a math partner who solves problems well, or a friend to laugh with, without spending recess together. Grant says parents can help children identify who is a useful ally, an enjoyable pal, or a caring companion rather than treating the lack of one best friend as failure. When a child says a classmate is fun one-on-one but mean around popular children, the parent should validate the observation without demanding that the child write the person off; the child can decide whether to address it.

Grant recalls being an introverted, shy, nerdy child who was bullied but initially had pals through comics, sports cards, basketball, football, hockey, and fantasy sports. In middle school, those shared rituals changed; while Grant kept calculating statistics, classmates began calling him “Mr. Facts,” then dropped him from the group. He remained connected to two close friends through video games, sports, and talking by phone during Seinfeld and Friends commercials. He now thinks he should have noticed the group’s changing activities and tried new ones, such as debate. Later, diving forced him to interact with people he did not naturally like, transforming his social skills.

Discussing research by Jeffrey Hall, Grant says friendship takes about 50 hours of interaction on average, roughly 100 hours to become a good friend, and up to 200 for a close friend, with the exact figures varying by study. Those are averages: some people become good friends in five hours. Grant cautions parents against asking children too quickly to identify a permanent best friend after the first week of school. Instead, ask who might be friend material, who was fun to talk or work with, or who asked a thoughtful question. He compares meeting someone to assembling a puzzle: a dominant first impression is only one piece.

Grant and Dr. Becky argue that healthy conflict can create closeness, not merely result from it, if someone names the intention to protect or improve the relationship. They recommend saying, “I care a lot about our relationship,” before raising a hurt or asking for feedback. Problems often belong not to “you” or “me” but to “us”—a repeated interactional pattern. Dr. Becky applies this to children whose biggest emotional reactions determine every family decision, such as always choosing the car music. Parents may tolerate a protest but still let siblings take turns, teaching both flexibility and genuine power rather than allowing everyone to walk on eggshells.

Grant says adversity alone does not create friendship; emotional intensity does. Physical exertion, such as running or biking together, can act as “social grease,” while a haunted-house experiment found that people felt closer when they discussed the frightening experience afterward. This is why a child who tries out for a team may gain both resilience and friends through shared vulnerability. Grant criticizes replacing group activities with only private lessons because children lose opportunities to collaborate with peers, including peers who may become friends. His final recommendation is to broaden one’s ways of connecting: seek allies through help, pals through fun, and companions through vulnerability and shared values.