The Second Cutting of the Cord: What Actually Happens When You Go Back to Work

Key takeaways

Returning to work after parental leave involves complex emotions, including guilt and relief, which are normal and should be acknowledged rather than dismissed.
Transforming decision-making into systemic routines can significantly reduce decision fatigue and improve daily functioning for new parents.
Advocating for flexible work arrangements and understanding legal rights (like the Pump Act) can help ease the transition back to work.
Mom guilt is a social construct rooted in societal and cultural biases; recognizing this can empower women to challenge harmful narratives.
Naming systemic issues like benevolent discrimination and gatekeeping can help individuals address these challenges proactively.
Community and advocacy, through initiatives like The Chamber of Mothers, are vital for creating systemic change in parental leave policies and workplace norms.
It’s important to redefine success in both work and parenting, appreciating the messy, imperfect realities and celebrating small wins.

Summary

The Emotional and Physical Experience of Returning to Work After Parental Leave

This section explores the raw emotions involved in returning to work after parental leave, with Lauren Smith Brody sharing her own experience of her first day back, which she describes as 'the second cutting of the cord.' The feelings of disorientation, guilt, relief, and the physical sensations of heaviness and familiarity are discussed. The concept that many women do not see the return to work as a decision but as a necessity is highlighted, emphasizing the emotional complexity of this transition.

Work-Life Traversing and Resetting Boundaries

This part discusses how new parents navigate between the worlds of home and work, especially when returning to an environment filled with chaos and stimulation. Lauren emphasizes the importance of 'resetting' and turning decisions into systems to manage decision fatigue. She advocates for setting boundaries and creating routines—such as meal prep systems—to streamline daily decisions, thus preserving mental energy. The value of recognizing and strengthening new identities, like a competent decision-maker or a nurturing parent, is also examined.

Understanding and Addressing Mom Guilt and Relief

Lauren Brody addresses the pervasive issue of mom guilt, framing it as a social construct influenced by sexism and classism. She provides insights into how feelings of guilt can be specific—like leaving a baby in care or missing out on certain moments—and stresses the importance of recognizing these as normal and contextual. She also discusses the complex feelings of relief that come with returning to work, emphasizing that experiencing both feelings simultaneously is natural. Lauren encourages challenging societal narratives about what constitutes a 'good' mother or employee and normalizing the full spectrum of emotions.

Practical Strategies for Returning to Work

This section offers actionable advice for managing the transition back to work. Lauren suggests turning daily decisions into systems to reduce decision fatigue, such as meal planning routines. She discusses the concept of 'ramp-up' programs at workplaces to ease employees back into full responsibilities and emphasizes the importance of advocating for oneself—like requesting flexible hours or protected break times—by understanding legal rights such as the Pump Act and Pregnant Workers Fairness Act. She also explores how to reframe self-braming and social narratives around maternal and professional success.

Language, Naming, and Systemic Change

Lauren highlights the power of naming phenomena like benevolent discrimination and gatekeeping to foster awareness and change. She advocates for diagnosing systemic issues and engaging in heartfelt advocacy and community action, like her nonprofit, The Chamber of Mothers, which lobbies for better parental leave and maternal health policies. The episode underscores the importance of self-advocacy, community support, and collective effort in transforming workplace and societal norms regarding parenthood and careers.

Show notes

Twelve weeks of parental leave. Then you're back at your desk, wondering why it feels so hard.

Today we’re posting an episode from Rattled, our podcast for parents of newborns and babies, because it’s about something everybody experiences. It’s the final part of our three-part series with Care.com on finding care for your baby, and it's about a transition nobody preps you for: going back to work.

Dr. Becky sits down with Lauren Smith Brody, journalist and author of The Fifth Trimester, who's interviewed hundreds of working moms about this exact moment (and lived it herself). Lauren calls her own first day back "the second cutting of the cord." She's got names for feelings you didn't know had names: benevolent discrimination, gatekeeping, the 0.5x version of yourself who has to show up the second you walk through your front door.

They also get practical: how to turn decisions into systems before decision fatigue wrecks your evening, what a "ramp up" program actually looks like, and why mom guilt is, in Lauren's words, "a sexist, classist social construct" you can solve for like a math problem.

This episode is brought to you in partnership with Care.com. Find background-checked nannies, sitters, and daycares at Care.com, and use code BECKY35 for 35% off your membership.

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