174. When "That" Approach "Doesn't Work"

Key takeaways

The primary goal of parenting and communication tools is to work on your own identity and who you are becoming, not just on changing your children's behaviors.
Focus on cultivating your character and mindset, and the outcomes will often follow naturally, rather than trying to force specific results.
Self-awareness, discipline, and faith are crucial in responding calmly and lovingly to difficult situations with children.
Modeling the behavior you want to see in your children is more effective than punitive measures or control.
Every small moment you choose to embody the person you want to be is a step towards genuine transformation and better relationships.
Your influence as a parent comes from your internal state and how you present yourself; your children will mirror your tone and example.
Consistency in showing up as your ideal self fuels authentic change, and even imperfect moments are part of the process.

Summary

The True Purpose of Parenting Tools and Approaches

This section emphasizes that the core goal of any parenting or communication method, including Yes Language, is not about controlling children's behaviors or achieving immediate compliance. Instead, it's about cultivating self-love and being the best version of oneself. The speaker stresses that focusing on outcomes—such as obedience or specific behaviors—can lead to feelings of failure and frustration because it shifts the focus away from who a parent wants to be. The key message is to align efforts toward personal growth and embodying the parent one aspires to be, which naturally influences children.

The Power of Focus and Identity in Parenting and Life

Here, the discussion revolves around the importance of maintaining focus on personal identity and who one is becoming, rather than on external outcomes or controlling others. The speaker discusses how obsessing over outcomes causes stress, anxiety, and disconnection, and how shifting focus inward—on cultivating patience, kindness, and consistency—leads to more authentic and sustainable change. The importance of viewing life and its challenges through a lens of acceptance and trust in God's plan is highlighted, along with the idea that real transformation occurs when one takes responsibility for their own mindset and actions.

Practical Applications and Mindset Shifts in Daily Life

This section shares practical examples, such as handling conflicts with children through calm presence and love, and how modeling the behavior you want to see influences children more effectively than force or punishment. The speaker advocates for showing up as the person you want to be in each moment, using quotes, scripts, and reflection to reinforce your identity. The importance of aligning words, actions, and mindset to reflect your values and the person you aspire to be is emphasized, along with the reassurance that each small moment of demonstrating the desired identity is a victory.

Spiritual Foundations and Personal Growth

The speaker discusses the role of faith, especially reliance on the Holy Spirit, in guiding responses to challenging situations. Personal testimony illustrates that obedience, humility, and trust in God's guidance help in showing love and maintaining peace. The focus remains on continuous self-improvement, recognizing that each version of oneself is necessary and valuable in the journey. The goal is to become increasingly aligned with one's highest self, grounded in faith, discipline, and love, which then naturally influences others.

Show notes

"I tried that and it didn't work."

Why does it seem like when we use an approach we felt excited to try and more aligned with who we want to be, they "don't work" like we thought they would?

Because you're focused on the outcome as the goal, rather than who you're becoming in the process.

Tune in to this heart-wide-open episode to receive new focus and devotion to working on YOU- not your kids or spouse.

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