160. Is Your Child an Instigator? | Mindset for Thriving

Tessa emphasizes that what we focus on in our children shapes what we see. Our thoughts and the language we use to describe our kids influence our perception and whether we notice their cooperation or misbehavior. She highlights that the brain seeks confirmation of its beliefs, which means that labeling our children as 'instigators' or any negative term can blind us to their positive qualities. The key insight is that shifting our perspective can free us from frustration and help us see the goodness and potential in our children.

Tessa discusses that behaviors are signals or feedback about what a child needs or is experiencing. For instance, her son’s mischievous acts came from boredom and a desire to be included or challenged. Recognizing behavior as feedback allows us to respond with curiosity instead of judgment, and to meet our children’s needs more effectively. She advocates for focusing on the true qualities of children, like kindness, cleverness, and generosity, rather than negative labels, and for examining what behaviors reveal about their needs.

The podcast stresses the importance of consciously choosing the language and beliefs we hold about our children. Instead of calling a child an 'instigator,' she encourages replacing that with a more accurate and positive trait, such as 'clever' or 'creative.' This shift helps us see our children’s actions in a more constructive light and fosters a nurturing mindset. Tessa advocates for curiosity in parenting—questioning what behaviors might be telling us and how we can better support our children’s growth—thus transforming challenges into opportunities for connection and development.

Tessa shares practical ways to implement this mindset shift, such as providing outlets for children’s curiosity and cleverness through age-appropriate responsibilities and stimulating activities. She discusses how giving children meaningful contributions and challenging tasks helps channel their energy positively. The importance of observing and understanding the underlying needs behind behaviors, rather than reacting from a place of frustration, is a recurring theme. She encourages parents to recognize their own limiting beliefs and to focus on what is more true about their children—qualities like kindness and intelligence—rather than negative labels.

Throughout the episode, Tessa reflects on her own journey of growth, humility, and discovery as a mother. She describes how shifting her focus from frustration to curiosity has transformed her parenting experience. She emphasizes that this is a continuous process of learning, in which embracing imperfection and maintaining a standard of excellence are important. Her storytelling includes insights from her own challenges and breakthroughs, encouraging listeners to see parenting as a lifelong game of learning and evolving.