153. Regulation Without Punishment, Here's What My Family Does

Tessa introduces her focus on integrating emotional regulation into her family life. She emphasizes the importance of modeling calm and regulated behavior for children, highlighting that stress responses influence children's own reactions. She shares her desire to create a positive and intentional atmosphere around regulation activities, setting the tone for her family's growth in emotional intelligence.

Tessa discusses the necessity of teaching children about their emotions, specifically anger, in proactive and age-appropriate ways. She explains her approach of discussing feelings like anger with her children when they are calm, using relatable examples. She emphasizes that emotions are natural and that responsibility lies in how children choose to respond to these feelings. The idea is to help children recognize their emotions and find appropriate outlets.

A core strategy described by Tessa is the use of physical activity (specifically 20 burpees) as a regulation tool, which she explains should be done for at least 90 seconds to effectively flush out emotional excess. She also talks about deep breathing as a calming technique. She shares how she involves her children in these activities voluntarily and explains the importance of choosing outlets that suit each child's energy level and developmental stage. These methods serve to teach children how to manage their intense emotions healthily.

Tessa stresses the importance of having pre-established, calm discussions about regulation strategies when everyone is regulated, which helps prevent conflict and defensiveness during emotional crises. She illustrates how she negotiated and agreed upon burpees with her children as a positive, proactive plan to manage anger and other strong emotions, reinforcing trust and understanding within the family. Consistency and positive framing in these agreements foster a family environment of accountability and support.

Tessa reflects on her role as a leader who models emotional regulation and accountability. She emphasizes that parents should demonstrate ownership and integrity, especially when they slip up, by setting examples such as doing burpees to acknowledge mistakes and promote humility. She also highlights how these practices contribute to her children’s development of emotional intelligence, critical thinking, and resilience, leading to healthier family dynamics and personal growth.

Tessa notes how her children’s age influences their ability to understand and practice regulation. She observes her seven-year-old doing deep breaths independently and sees it as a sign of growing emotional maturity. She shares her own journey of learning and implementing these skills later in life, underscoring the ongoing process of self-improvement and the importance of consistent effort. Her story underscores that regulation is a lifelong skill that benefits from early teaching and continual reinforcement.

Tessa shares her personal transformation over the last few years, describing her focus on self-regulation as a path to becoming more aligned with her true self. She reflects on her motivation to improve, her relationship with her mother, and her desire to model a positive heart posture for her children. She advocates for leaving behind unnecessary baggage and focusing on growth, grace, and a higher purpose in life, showing how regulation practices influence her mental and spiritual well-being.

Tessa provides practical ideas tailored to different children’s temperaments—high energy, shy, or shut down—such as dance parties, hugs, walks, or quiet snugs. She emphasizes the importance of understanding each child's unique needs and applying suitable regulation techniques. She urges parents to take lead in regulation in their homes, shaping a calm, trusting environment where children learn to handle their emotions healthfully.

Tessa encourages parents to take responsibility and confidently lead regulation efforts within their homes. She highlights that their example and proactive planning create trust and resilience in children. She motivates parents to view challenges as opportunities for growth, to model accountability, and to foster an environment of emotional safety. Her message is one of empowerment: parents are the most influential figures in their children’s emotional development.