When You Feel Envy, Turn It Into Something Productive

Alison Beard opens by noting that envy is usually treated as something harmful to organizations and individuals—the “green-eyed monster” and one of the seven deadly sins. Adi Ignatius initially jokes that the topic sounds like a hard-charging management tactic in which bosses pit employees against one another, but Beard explains that researcher and author Stacy Kim is making a subtler argument: envy can reveal what people want, what they value, and where they might direct their energy. A person might envy a senior colleague’s career or a competitor’s company and use that feeling as a source of information and learning. Kim says her perspective was shaped by growing up in Korea in the late 1970s and early 1980s. Korean people were relatively open about saying “부러워요” or “부럽다” to someone they envied—effectively, “I envy you, I admire you, I wish I could be like you.” That openness made envy a starting point for asking how the other person achieved something desirable. Kim distinguishes benign envy, which is motivating and emulative, from malicious envy, which is focused on taking something away or bringing the envied person down. Because English lacks a common word for benign envy, she says Western speakers often default to thinking of envy as shameful and destructive.

Kim defines envy simply as wanting something someone else has while feeling low, behind, or deficient because one lacks it. The emotion itself is difficult to control—it happens automatically—but people can choose how to interpret and respond to it. If attention centers on the person, envy is more likely to become malicious: someone may wish the person did not have the promotion, want to take it away, or try to bring that person “a notch down.” Benign envy focuses instead on the desired quality, achievement, or experience and asks how to move toward it. The host asks where envy appears most often at work. Kim says comparison is unavoidable and is not adequately explained by the advice that “comparison is a thief of joy.” Even children use comparison to learn how to join a group, behave within it, and avoid being excluded. In competitive professional settings, people naturally compare themselves with those who are ahead or doing something they want to do. Social media expands the comparison field: instead of seeing only colleagues or neighbors, people can inspect the careers, volunteer work, and accomplishments of professionals around the world. Kim warns against suppressing envy because, like fear signaling danger or anger signaling injustice, it contains information. She recommends pausing after the initial sting and asking what the feeling is showing. Otherwise, a person may gossip about a colleague’s promotion or start plotting how to diminish that colleague.

Kim says envy often becomes especially immobilizing because people feel guilty or ashamed for having ill will toward someone else. Guilt means “I did a bad thing,” while shame becomes “I am a bad person.” When guilt turns into shame, people freeze rather than act. Kim saw this pattern among high-achieving coaching clients who envied a colleague’s promotion, then concluded both that they were bad for feeling envious and that the promotion proved they could never get it. Philosopher Sarah Protasi calls this “inert envy”: a person assumes the desired thing is now unobtainable, sulks, turns inward, and gets stuck. To examine envy rather than be trapped by it, Kim uses the SIRN framework. “S” means a similar target: people usually envy someone close enough to them that the desired achievement may actually be within reach. “I” means the intangible desire beneath the visible object. A promotion may stand for financial security, confidence, the ability to mentor others, or another deeper feeling rather than merely status or money. “R” means relevant comparison: people tend to envy others in domains they care about, such as basketball players envying basketball players or writers envying writers. Kim realized through her own envy that writing mattered to her, even when she tried to ignore that ambition. “N” means negative emotion; the intensity and persistence of the feeling can indicate how important the underlying desire is.

After identifying what envy is pointing toward, Kim recommends starting very small. Rather than fixating on a distant outcome, people should choose the smallest activity or “micro action” that could move them closer to the underlying desire and ask what they can do this week. If they envy an author, Kim suggests listening to every podcast that author has appeared on, studying the person’s writing process, and choosing something to practice. At work, a person might observe an envied colleague, take notes on how that person operates, and identify a behavior worth learning. Kim also recommends approaching the person when it seems safe. A direct statement such as “I envy you; I admire you. How did you do that?” can be paired with a specific compliment and question: “I appreciate that you’ve been able to do X, Y, and Z. Can you tell me how you got that done?” She acknowledges that public expressions of envy can backfire and says people should use trial and error, approach a similar but friendlier person, or first build a relationship and gather information. When in doubt, Beard observes, someone can say “admire” instead of “envy.” Kim adds that specific observations make compliments safer and more credible—for example, noticing that a colleague picked up garbage after a meeting. Kim contrasts a primary response, which pursues the desired capability by building skills, with secondary responses that protect the ego. A basketball player responding primarily might practice more, dribble more, and shoot more after studying a better player. Secondary responses include calling the other player’s ability a freak talent, gossiping about them, claiming one is better in another domain, or giving up. Kim says the primary response is the useful one.

The host asks whether envy can help businesses and organizations learn from competitors. Kim points to South Korea in the late 1970s and early 1980s. After Japanese occupation and war had left the country struggling, Korean teachers repeatedly told students to study hard so Korea could stop being a third-world country and beat Japan. Kim describes this as a collective mixture of envy, anger, and frustration that was channeled into improvement rather than personal sabotage. Korea competed with Japan in areas including automobiles and electronics and worked to host the 1988 Olympics. Kim gives a later example involving an aging population: Korea studied Japan’s response, copied its long-term-care insurance program, and tried to improve it. The resulting government social service became popular with Korean citizens. She says this illustrates that envy does not require exact imitation; it can reveal a larger goal and encourage a group to achieve it in its own way. Kim also mentions the rise of BTS, K-pop, and “K-pop Demon Hunters” as a more entertaining example of Korea surpassing Japanese cultural stardom. Beard notes that the objective was not simply to reproduce J-pop but to gain global cultural relevance. Kim says Korea deliberately invested in entertainment through a Ministry of Culture division because the country lacked many natural resources but had people and talent. The broader lesson is that groups can study what another country or competitor does well, identify the value they actually want, and build their own version.

Kim cautions managers not to assume they know when an employee is envious. Researchers have found no distinct facial expression for envy, so a leader should raise the subject carefully, discuss what they have observed, and make it safe to talk about the emotion. Managers can use the SIRN elements to help employees identify what they want rather than treating envy as evidence that one person is a problem. They can also emphasize teamwork: colleagues should learn from and support one another rather than compete destructively. Kim cites Princeton professor emeritus Susan Fiske, who avoided placing two people in similar circumstances and at the same level on a research project because similar targets are more likely to envy one another. Fiske instead paired people at different stages or with different skills, making collaboration more likely and reducing direct status competition. Kim presents this as another argument for building diverse teams. Beard adds that a leader could direct a team’s collective envy outward toward a competitor—for example, studying another team’s customer service or website and trying to match or improve it. Kim agrees, comparing this to sports teams that unite against an opposing team rather than competing internally. For someone feeling envy immediately, Kim recommends first recognizing that the feeling is universal and does not make them a bad person. She suggests writing the four SIRN components on a 3-by-5 card, identifying the intangible desire, and choosing one action that can be practiced within a week or even within 20 minutes. She gives leaders the same advice: status does not eliminate envy, and examining the deeper desire can prevent them from endlessly chasing the next achievement when what they really want may be something more fundamental.