A former nun on why she ran away from her 'Cloistered' life

This section explores Coldstream's background, artistic upbringing, and her religious calling. She grew up in an arts-rich family with a painter father and an actor mother. After experiencing trauma and loss, including her father's death, she sought transcendence through religion. She joined a Carmelite monastery, embracing a life of silence, prayer, and strict discipline rooted in centuries-old monastic traditions. Coldstream reflects on her initial sense of transcendence, her struggles with the regimented life, and her eventual decision to leave, which was motivated by her questions and the realization that her interior life and inquiry had outgrown the cloistered environment.

This section delves into the daily routines, physical environment, and spiritual practices of Coldstream's monastic life. She describes the architecture of the monastery, the importance of silence, the significance of wearing a habit, and the purpose behind its uniformity—symbolizing dedication and equality. Coldstream reflects on the regimented schedule, the physical and mental discipline, and how the interior world of prayer and meditation was both freeing and restrictive. The discussion highlights the balance between outward discipline and inward expressive freedom, set against the backdrop of her artistic background.

This part covers the spiritual relationships and romantic metaphors Coldstream experienced with Christ, the significance of being married to God, and how her understanding evolved. She describes the intense love and longing, the romantic and erotic imagery used in religious poetry and prayer, and the complex emotions involved in such spiritual intimacy. Coldstream also reflects on authority within the community, the dangers of unchecked power, and the emotional toll of strict discipline, including an incident where she was physically assaulted by the community leader. She discusses her decision to run away, return, and finally depart, emphasizing her need for personal growth and truth beyond the monastery.

This section narrates Coldstream’s struggles in adjusting to the outside world after her years in monastic life. She describes the difficulty with noise, mess, and human contact, contrasting her earlier desire for silence with the chaos of modern life. Despite challenges, she reminisces about simple pleasures like feeling the wind at the beach or going to a pub, which symbolized her regained freedom and normalcy. Her reflections highlight the emotional and sensory shifts involved in reintegration and her internal conflict between the tranquility of solitude and the vibrancy of worldly life.