3 Signs You’re With the Right Person or if You Are Settling (Best Relationship Advice)

Mel Robbins opens the episode with her 27-year-old daughter, Sawyer Robbins, who has brought a clipboard of questions about love, dating, and relationships. Sawyer says the questions came from herself, her sister Kendall, friends, listeners, and the audience; her boyfriend Gavin also listens to the show, prompting a playful reassurance that he should not worry about the questions. The conversation takes place in the Vermont TV room, with the family’s rescue cat, Mr. Noodle, sleeping on Mel’s lap and making it difficult for her to move. Mel explains that she and her husband, Chris, have been married for 30 years and have three children. She says she will answer from her own experience rather than pretend to have perfect answers, and later identifies a central principle for the entire episode: couples can pursue connection or insist on being right, but they generally cannot do both. Sawyer’s questions then move through recognizing an unsuitable relationship, taking time to be single, navigating ambition and money, supporting an unemployed partner, encouraging growth, handling disagreements, rebuilding dating confidence, and surviving a breakup.

In response to Sawyer’s first question, Mel gives three signs that someone may be wonderful but still not the right person. First, there is often a deep dread or knowing that the relationship is not right, even if the other person is kind and impressive. Mel says she felt this with two people before meeting Sawyer’s father. She believes she could have had a beautiful life with the first man, but she was in her early 20s, had undiagnosed ADHD and dyslexia, unresolved fourth-grade trauma, and was “a walking anxiety attack,” often on edge or drunk. Falling in love temporarily masked those problems; once the neurochemical rush faded, she blamed the relationship instead of recognizing that she was unhealthy. Second, a relationship is not sustainable if staying requires abandoning core dreams or values. Mel uses the example of someone who dreams of graduate school and owning a business but partners with someone who expects them never to work. The Gottmans’ relationship research, she says, supports the idea that giving up dreams or violating values leads to resentment. Third, a person is not a good fit if you fundamentally cannot accept who they are. Mel distinguishes ordinary annoyances—such as her husband’s slow, careful processing—from persistent criticism of traits that are central to a partner’s personality. Skills and habits, such as cleaning up after yourself and contributing to household maintenance, can be learned; kindness, curiosity, intellectual interest, generosity, and a desire for partnership are much harder to teach.

Mel says a long-term partner should feel like “home base”: an exhale, a smile, and a hug after a difficult day. Money, appearance, and easy circumstances can make many relationships look successful, but the meaningful test is whether someone remains your favorite person when a parent is dying, a job is lost, bodies change, or life becomes painful. She quotes advice associated with James Sexton: even when your partner is struggling or has gained weight, they should still be your favorite person. Sawyer asks when someone should be single. Mel says people who move directly from one relationship into another—“overlappers”—are often using relationships to regulate themselves instead of facing their own problems. Mel admits she was never single from age 13 until she met Sawyer’s father, and says this delayed her healing by at least 15 years and cost her close friendships and two former partners unnecessary pain. She emphasizes that consistently dating someone counts as being in a relationship even without an official title. A period of singleness gives people space to identify patterns across their last two or three relationships. Without that pause, people repeat the same dynamic with a new partner because they cannot outdate bad habits or marry themselves into healing. If someone repeatedly chases disrespectful or unavailable partners to feel chosen, Mel says the issue is the pattern, not merely the individual person.

When Sawyer asks what to do if one partner’s ambition has pushed the other into the background, Mel gives an intentionally blunt answer: there are periods when one person’s ambition should come first. Someone cannot simultaneously pour maximum energy into building a large business, writing a book, or raising children. Mel points to Kendall’s singing career and says Kendall is currently happy being single because that phase of her career requires her full attention. Rather than define yourself only as someone’s partner or parent, Mel advises identifying your own purpose and ambitions; ambition is not limited to earning money and can involve building, creating, volunteering, raising children, supporting a partner, or pursuing meaningful experiences. Sawyer asks whether this means simply going along with a partner’s career decisions. Mel answers that money often drives decisions, which is why she has encouraged her daughters to earn their own money: money provides power, freedom, and choices. Partners may decide to relocate for a residency or graduate program, or they may negotiate a “yes, and” arrangement. Mel recalls moving to Boston while her husband completed his MBA at Babson over seven years, even though she left a job she loved. The important issue is discussing the timeline and what the supporting partner needs in return. If one person gives up a job, moves, or spends substantial time alone, they must clearly communicate needs such as regular time together. There is no perfect decision, she says—only a decision followed by the work of making it right.

Sawyer asks how to support someone who is struggling to find work without becoming controlling or responsible for their success. Mel recalls that Sawyer’s father was laid off from seven jobs in nine years and says nobody can force another person to be motivated, ambitious, or successful in a career they dislike. In a difficult job market, the most helpful role may be to let the struggling person “borrow” your belief: say that you trust the timing of their life, recognize how hard they are working, and believe that the eventual delay may make sense later. Someone who is unemployed already feels ashamed and pressured, so criticism adds weight rather than solving the problem. Mel says a person may need to discover a different path rather than keep trying to succeed at something they hate. She uses her husband’s attempt to work in tech sales as an example of pursuing a field he disliked. She recommends creating a controllable source of pride and structure, such as training for a marathon, taking on 75 Hard, or completing a substantial project. However, she warns partners to notice withdrawal, oversleeping, increased drinking, and nonstop online or television use. Citing Jonathan Haidt’s discussion on the podcast, Mel says excessive short-form content, pornography, gambling, betting, and social media can provide “cheap dopamine,” affect the brain’s reward system, and contribute to withdrawal and low motivation, particularly among boys and men. She recommends a nonjudgmental conversation about what the partner is experiencing rather than barking orders, and says Haidt reported that a two-week break from the phone can help the brain reset.

Mel says encouraging a partner to leave their comfort zone must begin with accepting who they are. She uses Pastor T.D. Jakes’s analogy, learned by Oprah Winfrey, of “10-gallon” and “pint-sized” people: some want large amounts of risk, adventure, attention, and deep conversation, while others want much less. Neither is better. A 10-gallon person can be happy with a pint-sized person if they recognize that the pint-sized partner may have taken a huge risk by their own standards. Failing to celebrate that effort can make the partner retreat permanently. On disagreements such as whether to change a last name, Mel recommends going beneath the surface and asking why the issue matters. She explains that she initially kept the name Melanie Schneeberger because changing documents was a hassle, but after having children and being separated from them during a flight change, she wanted the family to feel like a unit. Couples can also find flexible solutions, such as keeping a professional name while using a spouse’s name legally or socially. For people who feel undesirable because nobody is choosing them, Mel recommends choosing themselves through daily habits, hobbies, classes, and especially physical activities. She argues that physical movement changes mentality and emotions, suggesting weight training, dance, or jump-rope lessons rather than putting life on hold for a partner. After a breakup, she says the future really has fallen apart—but because that future was not meant to be built with that person. The person is grieving both the relationship and the imagined life, so they should honor the loss and allow time for their body and mind to unlearn the shared routine and fantasy. Mel says the hardest part is often the three months afterward and warns against starting a new relationship or having sex with an ex during that period, because it can return someone to day one.

Sawyer’s final takeaway is that communication appears throughout all of Mel’s answers. She cites couples therapist Terry Real’s idea that a person can be right or connected, but not both. Mel agrees that disagreements about names, chores, habits, ambition, or lifestyle are opportunities to go a layer deeper and understand what the issue means to the other person. Trying to force the surface solution or boss a partner around will not create the supportive relationship either person wants. Mel says the best relationships allow both people to grow while remaining a soft landing for each other. She returns to her “favorite person” test: even if a partner is in stained sweatpants, has fallen asleep with the television remote, left dishes in the sink, or could stand to lose weight, can you still look at them and feel that they are your favorite person? She and Sawyer close by saying they enjoyed working together and inviting listeners to submit questions through Mel’s newsletter, which she says has more than two million readers. Mel also gives the show’s disclaimer that she is not a licensed therapist and that the podcast is educational and entertaining rather than a substitute for professional care.