This One Skill Makes Every Relationship Better

Mel opens by promising that one learnable skill can make people more likable, improve relationships, reduce conflict, and even make listeners like themselves more: empathy. She distinguishes empathy from sympathy, pity, or feeling sorry for someone, defining it through Harvard psychologist Dr. Stuart Ablon’s one-word answer: “understanding.” Empathy means trying to understand another person’s feelings, perspective, and circumstances before judging, fixing, or offering an opinion. Mel connects it to the law of reciprocity—people tend to return kindness—and to mirror neurons, which help us react emotionally when we witness someone else’s experience. University of Toronto research, she says, found at least nine daily opportunities to practice empathy.

In the sponsor story, Mel describes an Amica customer whose home was damaged when a tree fell on it during a hurricane, shortly before her husband was diagnosed with recurrent lung cancer. General property adjuster Michael Jones stayed involved throughout the repair process, answering questions, listening, and guiding her from beginning to end rather than merely assessing the damage. The customer said his support allowed her to focus on her husband. Jones explained that he treated her as he would want someone to treat his own mother. Mel presents this as empathy made practical: showing someone they matter through consistent, personal help.

Mel says empathy starts with “ask, don’t guess.” People routinely explain a partner’s bad mood, assume a coworker who misses a deadline does not care, or respond to a friend’s good news with “that’s amazing” before changing the subject. Instead, she recommends questions such as “You don’t seem like yourself—what’s going on?”, “Is everything okay?”, “Tell me more,” and “Help me understand.” She gives the example of a producer whose editor’s work deteriorated and whose lateness increased; asking revealed that he was caring for his sick mother while maintaining a demanding job. The question replaced blame with context and a better path forward.

Mel recalls her son Oakley struggling in fourth grade as the family began recognizing dyslexia, dysgraphia, executive-function difficulties, and ADHD. She could see his confidence dimming and, frightened by his pain, immediately became a “bulldozer,” organizing calls, plans, and solutions. Her attempts to help made things worse because she treated him like a problem to solve rather than a child needing to feel understood. She now wishes she had asked, “What’s the hardest part for you?” and “What do you think all the adults are missing?” She says “help me understand” creates safety and connection, and applies equally when someone is happy.

Mel’s second practice is to initiate contact instead of waiting for someone else. Thinking “I should text Jessie,” call a parent, congratulate someone, or check on a hospitalized friend does not count unless the action happens; the person cannot feel an unmade call. Organizational psychologist Adam Grant calls carefully chosen small gestures “pebbling,” borrowing the image of penguins presenting smooth pebbles while courting. A meme, article, reel, flower, or message can say, “I thought of you, I know you, I see you.” Mel describes her husband bringing home an inexpensive grocery-store bouquet as evidence that he remembered what matters to her.

Mel says people often avoid going first because they predict their gesture will be awkward, unwanted, or poorly received. Stanford researchers studying more than 5,000 undergraduates identified an “empathy perception gap”: students estimated that about 87% of peers would help someone struggling, but 96% said they themselves would help. When students recognized that others were more caring than they assumed, they reached out more, and months later their social networks had expanded. Mel recommends setting calendar reminders for a friend’s surgery or interview, sending the remembered message, congratulating someone, or simply greeting a person who seems to need a friendly face.

Mel’s third practice comes from therapist Casey Davis: when someone is overwhelmed, do not make them figure out what help to request. A person who says “I don’t even know what day it is” may not be able to answer “What do you need?” Instead, bring paper plates, plastic cups, and utensils so they do not face a sink full of dishes; drop off food, clean, do laundry, or sit beside them. Mel remembers being sick while 14 college friends visited her husband: they cooked, cleaned, walked the dogs, and left food by her bed without asking, making her feel genuinely cared for.

Mel plays an account from the late Judge Frank Caprio about his first day in municipal court. A woman with a car boot owed several hundred dollars in tickets and said she could not pay because she had four children and needed the car to get them to school. Caprio initially insisted that the boot remain, but his father challenged him afterward: what if paying the tickets meant she could not feed the children? Caprio said the encounter shaped more than 30 years on the bench. He began investigating people’s circumstances and considering how each ruling affected their entire family, not just applying the law abstractly.

Mel’s final practice is “keep on waving”: extend the greeting, kindness, or acknowledgment even before anyone else does. She tells Steve Hartman’s story of Roman, a lonely four-year-old in Concord, North Carolina, whose parents had separated, whose father moved to Florida, and whose grandparents lived elsewhere. Roman repeatedly waved to neighbors. Senior neighbor Wade eventually crossed the street, introduced himself, and began visiting; other seniors followed, attended Roman’s soccer games, swimming lessons, school open house, and birthday party. Roman’s simple wave created a community of adopted grandparents, while neighbors who barely knew one another found connection too.

Mel closes by returning to the practical effect of the four habits: ask rather than assume, go first, bring support without making someone request it, and keep waving. These actions make people feel seen, understood, supported, celebrated, and remembered, which is why they tend to like and trust the person offering them. She urges listeners to notice nine daily opportunities to expand someone’s joy, help someone who feels alone, or show that what matters to them matters to you. Her conclusion is that better relationships are built deliberately through ordinary moments, and empathy benefits the giver as well as the recipient.