No Mercy / No Malice: Preparing men for others

Scott Galloway opens by saying he is struggling with his purpose now that his oldest son has left for college and his youngest is “halfway out the door.” He distinguishes happiness—which he jokes he can engineer with Netflix and edibles—from purpose, which gives life meaning. He proposes a “negative ROI” test: an unselfish activity that cannot produce an observable positive return, such as volunteering, national service, or mentorship, may be purposeful because it serves something greater than oneself. For Galloway, raising his sons is that kind of investment. He has tried to prepare them physically, emotionally, and mentally for a future in which the benefits will flow primarily to their partners, children, colleagues, and country—not back to him. He says he does not expect a conventional return or even for them to spend nights worrying about him. The opening examples are conversations he has had with his boys about current events and sexual ethics, including the Dells’ $6.25 billion gift for children’s investment accounts, cruel social-media reactions to Mrs. Dell, and a podcast’s treatment of an assault allegation at Cornell. His point is that parenting is not simply giving advice; it is helping children develop judgment about how other people are treated.

Galloway argues that the most valuable investment a father can make is to “show up more.” He cites Pew’s finding that 37% of young adults say they talk to their fathers less than they would like, compared with 20% who say that about their mothers. Presence alone is not enough, however: fathers also have to speak up. His conversations with his sons are not cinematic moments in which they eagerly absorb his wisdom. He asks what they think, gives his own view, and deliberately limits himself to minutes so there will be a thread to pick up the following night. He says discussions about their grandparents’ lives in Europe and the advantages of being born in America have been relatively easy, while conversations about women and sex are much more complicated. His first rule is absolute: never criticize a woman’s appearance. There are only two acceptable choices, he says—compliment or silence. Men may instinctively notice fertility cues such as facial symmetry, soft skin, and wide hips, but modern masculinity means recognizing those impulses and overriding them with judgment and emotional regulation. In his formulation, instinct is the factory setting; character is the software update.

Galloway tells his sons that when they are making sexual contact with a new partner, both people should be sober or nearly sober. Intoxication can destabilize trust, impair the ability to read signals, and create ambiguity; waiting costs one night, whereas getting consent and intentions wrong can cost both people much more. If a woman is intoxicated in a room with several men, he says they should treat her with the care and respect they would want for their mother or sister, and ask how their future selves would judge their actions. Acting as the person who looks out for others may make someone seem like a killjoy, but he believes moral clarity lasts longer than memories of partying. He also stresses condoms. Unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections are serious, but so is the next-day anxiety that can make someone imagine they have contracted Ebola. He says using a condom signals responsibility, respect, and care—qualities that can matter in sustaining a relationship. He encourages his sons to see sex as an opportunity for self-discovery and genuine vulnerability, rather than outsourcing intimacy to pornography, the manosphere, or AI chatbots. He notes that the average age of first online-porn exposure is 12, according to the American Institute for Boys and Men, and says adolescent exposure is linked to more permissive attitudes, earlier sexual activity, and a greater likelihood of imitating what is depicted. Although consenting adults may choose their own behavior, he tells his sons he regards choking, slapping, coercive scenarios, and some multiple-partner scenarios as violence.

Galloway says he lost his virginity at 19 after feeling frightened by sex despite having earlier opportunities. He believes boys should hear the same message often given to girls: they can wait until they are ready, and neither society nor a distorted version of masculinity should dictate when they have sex. He also encourages his sons to develop the courage to initiate contact with girls. His father’s advice was to walk up and speak to someone within 30 seconds of entering a room full of strangers, whether it was a class, bar, or dining hall. He connects this advice to a reported 44% of Gen Z men having no romantic-relationship experience during their teen years. Citing Daniel Cox of the American Enterprise Institute and Survey Center on American Life, he says parents carefully cultivate educational and enrichment opportunities but often discuss dating only in negative terms. Male friendships do not automatically teach healthy romantic relationships. Galloway wants his sons to become good husbands by approaching women confidently, listening, asking questions, and making others feel safe. He rejects online claims that respectful approaches put men’s careers at risk: if the woman is not interested, he says, everyone will be fine. Rejection is valuable practice, and he urges young men to take “three-point shots”—apply for jobs they are not qualified for and ask out people they think are out of their league—because nobody is watching as closely as they imagine.

Galloway acknowledges that his sons often seem not to be listening, but says that does not mean the conversations are wasted. A Harvard Graduate School of Education study of 2,200 people aged 18 to 25 found that 70% wished their parents had given them more information about the emotional aspects of romantic relationships. Gallup, he says, found that parents are 3.5 times more likely to talk with their children about school than about dating. He treats this gap as a reason to persist even when younger children flee the subject “kicking and screaming.” He illustrates the difficulty with his oldest son. When the boy was 14, Galloway took him to the beach after his partner said it was time for the sex talk. The moment Galloway said, “Let’s talk about sex,” his son screamed, “No!” The mission failed in the immediate sense, but the encounter opened the door to a series of later conversations. Galloway’s broader lesson is that the right thing and the hard thing are usually the same thing. Parents should not leave boys to learn about sex, dating, consent, and emotional responsibility from pornography or internet culture simply because direct conversations are awkward.

Galloway challenges the idea that fathers are mainly breadwinners or disciplinarians. He cites evolutionary anthropologist Anna Machin, who writes that fathers form an attachment different from mothers’ and contribute through stimulation, physical activity, and pushing developmental boundaries. Machin describes fathers as parents of mental resilience: they help girls navigate social complexity and influence boys’ education and masculine identity. Galloway says this is what it means to “prepare them for others.” He recalls that his own father was absent during his formative years, leaving him without many serious conversations or a clear code for handling life’s random situations. He was fortunate that friends’ fathers, his mother’s romantic partners, a stockbroker, fraternity brothers, and bosses filled parts of that void. Those men never received a conventional return, but they invested in preparing him for others. Galloway also admits that his own pursuit of success carried a cost: frequent travel and stretches of as long as ten days away from home, during which things tended to come off the rails when his sons were young. A ring from his partner, engraved with the line from The Little Prince—“What is essential is invisible to the eye”—helps him reinterpret his life. Houses, businesses, books, status, and possessions are visible and temporary; the real ends are invisible. He hopes that someday, in a room he never enters, people will feel safer because his sons are there. His oldest wears the ring on a thread around his neck, and that image makes Galloway less afraid of death: he is raising something that can outlast him.