Raising Kids Who Feel Safe Talking to You :: Vicki Courtney *top 10 episode* [Ep 592]

Heather introduces Vicki Courtney, author of Five Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter and Five Conversations You Must Have With Your Son. Vicki describes being married nearly 34 years, with three grown children—two sons and a daughter—who are married and raising children; at the time she had five grandchildren and another on the way. She became a Christian at 21 while attending the University of Texas, after identifying as an agnostic and feminist. A mentor shaped her early faith, and about ten years later she began ministering to college women, eventually expanding to mother-daughter events and books.

Vicki explains that her original ministry began with college women because she had seen young women absorb cultural lies before encountering Christianity herself. Her events grew from knowing only two college women—her children’s babysitters—to attracting more than 1,000 women from around the country. The revised books required her to study a new generation, often called iGen or Gen Z, whose parents are frequently millennials. She says smartphones, social media, and a more openly post-Christian culture have changed the conversations parents must have, making older advice insufficient without updating its examples and approach.

While researching Gen Z, Vicki became frightened by reports of record mental-health struggles, screen addiction, and other pressures affecting her grandchildren, who were all seven or younger at the time. She returned to Scripture and says God reminded her that Jesus is “the same yesterday, today, and forever.” She argues that even if children face economic, cultural, and spiritual conditions that are not objectively “better,” they may recognize their need for Christ sooner. Because parents have the answer to that spiritual emptiness, she sees an opportunity for revival rather than a reason to surrender to fear.

Vicki says Christian parents cannot simply give children biblical truth and expect them to repeat it in an increasingly antagonistic culture. Children will hear peers and media describe Christianity, sexuality, identity, and morality in ways that may conflict with Scripture, and many will wrestle with those questions themselves. Parents should therefore teach truth while leading with love, avoiding shocked reactions such as “How could you believe this?” Heather connects this approach to early childhood: caring for, hugging, and meeting the needs of children under five is not wasted ministry but part of establishing a relationship through which later truth-filled conversations can occur.

Vicki identifies maternal perfectionism and social-media comparison as obstacles to meaningful conversation. Mothers may see polished family photos and assume other children behave better, without seeing the effort and conflict behind the image. She recommends recognizing personal triggers, giving up the demand to do everything, and creating margin. Her own family eventually admitted that its schedule had become “insane,” so each child was limited to one activity per season. Looking back, she says music lessons, camps, sports, and classes mattered far less than time spent talking, playing, noticing God’s creation, and being together.

Heather gives an example of a kindergarten teacher whose daughter did not play sports until trying track as a high-school freshman, eventually earning a scholarship to the University of Texas. Vicki adds a story about her third child, Hayden: she and her husband received praise for his math ability despite never doing the drill cards still sealed in his backpack. Years later, he earned one of the highest middle-school SAT math scores in Texas. Vicki uses both stories to argue that parents should not assume constant activities or academic pressure create a child’s gifts; they should do their part while trusting God’s larger purposes.

Vicki calls herself a recovering helicopter parent and warns that overprotecting children, rescuing them, and preventing failure can leave them unprepared for adulthood. She is especially concerned about boys, who may struggle with school and launching because recess and outdoor movement have been reduced while expectations to sit still remain. Parents should let children experience consequences and learn from bad choices. She also cautions that excessive restriction can produce a “forbidden fruit” reaction when children leave home. Her own family eventually limited activities, and she says none of her adult children regrets missing some extracurricular opportunities.

Vicki says she wanted her children to know they could bring her anything, even though they did not always follow her advice. She recommends using real-time moments—a questionable song on the radio, an encounter with pornography, or a cultural controversy—to ask what children think rather than delivering a sermon. Parents should replace panic with a calm “Tell me more” or “I’m glad you asked,” while remembering their own failures and need for grace. Vicki admits she sometimes had to keep a neutral face and privately scream in a closet, but children should not see shock, shame, or finger-wagging.

Heather describes children reacting with horror when they hear about cultural choices that conflict with Christian teaching. Vicki compares this to the elder brother and prodigal son: some children are naturally rule-following and judgmental, while others learn through rebellion, but both need grace. She also addresses “hipster Jesus,” a version of Christianity focused on social justice or cultural coolness while avoiding holiness, sin, and the fear of God. Parents can study these questions with their children, acknowledging that it is acceptable to wrestle while treating Scripture as the final authority. Vicki’s shorthand for her son became “RTC—remember the cross”—a reminder to act in light of Christ’s sacrifice.